Emotional Day

Today was, by far, the toughest day, emotionally. Nothing really out of the norm happened, just the realizations and acceptance of life here.

My little sweetheart was at the daycare today and he was sick. I'm not sure what is wrong with him, I just know he was burning up with fever. It was a little chilly today so he was dressed in a turtle neck sweater and jean jacket that they left on him since it was "cold" out. I was trying to explain to one of the mamas that he felt very hot and that it was best to take some of his clothes off to help with the fever. She disagreed. So the baby was there burning up with fever, all bundled up, nothing to drink, and no sort of medicine to help get the fever down. I was feeding him his lunch of rice and vegetables and after two bites, he fell asleep in my arms. They took him from me and put him to sleep in a little play pen.

I was talking to one of the teachers I work with in the classroom and I was asking her how many of the children in our class are HIV+. She was trying to calculate a number in her head and so I asked, "Is it more than half?" Her response was, "Oh yes, definitely more than half." I asked if most of them were on ARV treatments or were most still pretty healthy. She said that most of the positive children are on ARV treatments, which means they now have AIDS. She said she would get a positive count of the number of kids in the class that are positive. Our class is made up of 22 students.

One little boy, who is just adorable.....his name is Lutho. Lutho is 4 but truly looks to be about 2. He is so tiny. I'm sure it's stunted growth from malnutrition. Today, one of the mamas had a good sized hunk of bread she was eating and typically when they have something like that, they tend to share it with the kids that need it most. She called Lutho over and he was sitting on the stoop eating his bread. I asked our teacher if Lutho was orphaned or if he had parents. She told me that he has a mother but she doesn't want him because he is HIV+.

She said Lutho was very sick as a baby and she used to leave him at the hospital. When they were home, she used to leave him alone all the time, while she went out. Social services got involved and took Lutho away and put him back in the hospital because he was so ill. Once he was better, they placed him with Home from Home. She said his mother came to the school one time, to see if he was still alive, because he was so sick when she last saw him, but she left him again and has never been back. He's being raised in one of the orphan homes with 5 other children.

Positive or not, I just don't understand how a mother could abandon her child. And my guess, if Lutho was born positive, then I would say it's pretty likely she's the reason he is.

Lutho is a sweet boy. He's been known to be a little naughty sometimes....not unlike any other rambunctious little 4 year old boy, but because of it, he tends to get blamed for a lot at school, even when he is innocent. Days like today....his little halo just shined all day. He was sweet and gentle. He has the cutest little smile and I think he realizes that he has me wrapped around his finger.

The teacher was telling us how they put on a Christmas Sketch every year and the kids do it in English. The act out the whole manger scene and then in English they sing Away In a Manger. She was talking about how the kids also practice in English how to introduce themselves and say what they want to be when they grow up. She said most of the parents are crying and it's very emotional because they know their children are positive and will never grow up to be that firemen, that policemen, or that ballet dancer.

Today was very tough and I feel emotionally drained. More than anything I hate that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help these kids. Although I realized that early on, I think knowing that I'm leaving in a few days and really having to accept the fact that I was here, and now I'm leaving and nothing has changed. It's just a hard pill to swallow. If I had the resources, I would bring every one of these kids home and take care of them. Give them the best medical care, plenty of food and more love than they could stand. But the reality is, it's not possible. I can only hope that I have helped them feel loved and made them feel like they mattered. Perhaps given them a little hope and in some small way made a little difference in what will be their all too brief little lives.

I wish you all could meet the children that I'm working with. They are incredible kids facing the toughest of odds and still managing to just be kids. I have learned so much from them and along with the sadness I feel, they have brought me a tremendous amount of joy in the short time I've been with them. I am so grateful for this experience and my heart is filled with so much love for each and every one of them.